


Getting There

by 0thefemalecapacity0



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Sexual Tension, Undefined Relationship, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-24
Updated: 2016-06-24
Packaged: 2018-07-18 01:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7293106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0thefemalecapacity0/pseuds/0thefemalecapacity0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Janeway has been feeling low since leaving the Sikari planet and being betrayed more than once.  Chakotay offers her support in more ways than one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting There

Her evening shift was over and she had never felt so tired.  It had only been a week since they had left Sikaris and still there was nothing on the horizon.  It was true that there were nothing to threaten them---no dangerous nebulas, offending ships, dangerous wormholes, but there was also no excitement, no mysteries, no distractions; no bring-us-closer-to-home longshots would be taken today.  

B’elanna in her efficiency and eagerness for redemption, had long-since fixed the problems the Sikarians technology had caused, people were healthy and rejuvenated from shore leave, food and fuel was restocked, and there were no security issues to speak of.  It had essentially been days of smooth sailing----an anxious and lonely Captain’s nightmare.  

She hated when space left her alone with her thoughts.  What she wouldn’t give for a hostile Cazon ship right about now.   _‘Stop thinking like that.’_  She reprimanded herself.  It was selfish.  She knew she didn’t actually wish for these things.  The hurt Janeway had felt by the outrageously unhelpful Gathorel, and the ensuing betrayal she had faced from B’elanna and Tuvok, ( _Tuvok_ , of all people) was weighing on her heavily.  It was that betrayal which left her pondering how truly mistaken she must have been in stranding them here in the Delta Quadrant, that even her proudly logical and ethical Vulcan friend had taken such a step in the hopes of getting home sooner; and the disappointment that was _Gathorel_ that left her missing her faithful fiancee, her ever-so-constant family, even her old dog, whom she she had left behind.   

 _‘Daisy will have forgotten who I am by now’_ she thought, idly.  In fact, the dog might have had puppies and died by the time they got back, if ever.  Had her family planned her funeral?  Was Mark crying for her right now?  No.  He would have faith in her.  He’d have faith that she was alive and fighting to get back to him.  Mark would wait for her.  But for how long?  How much time of his life could she ask of him?  She couldn’t stand to think of the pain she knew she must be causing them----the pain she must be causing everyone on the ship.  A door hissed open and she almost jumped.  She had been so lost in thought she hadn’t even noticed she had already made it to the mess hall.  

It was more or less empty, except for a few crewmembers sporadically scattered around the room.  The Captain had extended her own shift a few extra hours specifically to miss the crowded dinner hour.  

“Captain!”  Neelix’s ever-cheerful voice could be heard from inside the kitchen.  “I was beginning to wonder if you were working open to close.” he chuckled.  “I had half a mind to bring a four course meal up to the bridge!”  She mustered a tight smile as she walked up to greet him.  “I didn’t see you at breakfast or lunch today,” he stated, though it sounded more like a question.  “I concocted a new dish I was hoping for you to try!”  

“I wasn’t hungry.”  She said softly.  Neelix looked over her face, concern in his eyes, and Janeway realized she must look a tired mess.

“No matter, Captain.  We ran out at lunch but...”  Neelix looked side-to-side, searching for the eager listeners who weren’t there, and lowered his voice to a whisper.  “...I’ve saved a plate especially for you.”  The Captain shook her head and couldn’t help but smile at him.  

“Thank you, Neelix.  That means a great deal.”  His face lit up and away he went into the kitchen to retrieve her meal.  As he did so he proceeded to describe the dish to her, though she had ceased paying attention.  Captain Janeway leaned an arm on the counter and let her smile drop in her weariness.  

She lifted her head to take a look around the mess hall, and immediately locked eyes with Commander Chakotay, who in what appeared a knee-jerk reaction, turned quickly back to the PADD he was apparently working on.  He was sitting at a table in something of a corner by the door she had entered, it was no wonder she hadn’t seen him.  The expression on his face was unreadable and the bowl in front of him was long since finished.  Had he been waiting for her to finish her shift like Neelix had?   _Unlikely_ , she thought.  He certainly had been watching her, at least for that second.  He was in a rather isolated corner of the hall; he hadn’t attempted to greet her, and now there was this awkward instance between them.  Clearly, he wanted to be alone.  As did she, of course.  

Just then Neelix returned with whatever bready, vegetable-filled, strangeness he had created.  The vapors from the spice made her eyes water, and yet there was a meaty-sweetness to the smell.  It looked appetizing, as her stomach continued to remind her she hadn’t eaten all day.  

“Thank you.  This looks entirely delicious.”  Neelix bowed slightly and smiled.  

“Is there anything else I can do for you, Captain.”  She knew she would regret this later.  She sighed.  

“Do you have any of that Leola root tea, you made for me once?  I still have quite a bit of work to do and I’m going to need the...” she thought of the pungent aroma, the sour-sweet taste, and frowned. “...nutrients.”  Neelix’s face lit up once more.

“I just finished brewing a pot for myself I’ll get you a cup right away!”  and again he bustled back into the kitchen.  At least there was someone on this ship she knew how to make happy.  

When he returned, she thanked him again for the meal and for the tea and excused herself to her quarters before Neelix could lecture her about getting enough sleep or Chakotay could approach her out of some misguided sense of politeness or pity.  

In her quarters she scarfed down all of Neelix’s meal while reading the duty roster for the next day, and downed half of the Leola root tea (it was good for her afterall) and was about to get ready for bed when she heard the door chime.  The hour was so odd and chime so quiet she almost wasn’t certain she had heard it.  

She opened the door  and there stood Chakotay’s imposing figure.

“Captain.”  he said, his voice formal, clipped.

“Commander, is there something I can do for you?”  She asked, mentally preparing herself for whatever problem must have arisen important enough for Chakotay to risk rousing her.  

“Captain, I hope this isn’t too out of line, but I was wondering... If you’re doing alright?”  she didn’t know what to say.  “...or If maybe you needed some company or someone to talk to.”  She frowned and smiled all at once.

“Is there something about my face?---” she said, her voice close to a whisper.

“Captain?”  

“People all day, for the past several days, have been tripping over themselves to ‘lift my spirits’ or tiptoeing around me like I might explode.  I am fine.”  She sliced an arm through the air in front of her.  “I am simply trying to get my job done.”  Her voice cracked as she had worked it back down to something low and angry.

“With all due respect,” he began, “You keep adding hours to your shifts even when there’s no work to be done, you’re skipping meals, you haven’t been sleeping, you’ve been spending your off hours alone, and frankly Captain, recently, you look... sad.”  He concluded, sympathetically.  Her expression became slack as she thought this over.  She _was_ sad.  She didn’t need him to tell her that.  

“You’ve certainly been observant, haven’t you.” she responded, with a tiny smile and a  glint in her eye.  Chakotay fidgeted, nervously.  His lower lip dropped as he tried to come up with something to say.  Something about it brought an actual smile to Janeway’s face.  “At ease, Commander, I’m... You’re right.  I’ve not been myself.”  she trailed off.  

“Tell me what’s wrong?”  It was so like a plea.  His voice was very soft---too intimate.  It pulled on her.  She sighed.

“Please, come in.”  The captain swaggered back inside and he followed her.  “Want half a cup of Leola root tea?”  she offered; a droll lilt in her voice.

“No, thank you.”  He smiled.  It was quite an enjoyable sight.  On the bridge, Chakotay was so certain, so at ease.  He took up space.  Here, he stood with his head bowed and his hands clasped behind his back until she motioned for him to sit.  “Is something going on?”  he asked, once they were both sat down in silence.  The Captain shook her head and smiled.  

“No.  Nothing’s going on.  I suppose that’s the problem, is all, Commander.”  

“I don’t understand.”

“We’ve just left behind a planet with the technology that could have brought us years closer to home.  The technology was within our grasp---the Alpha Quadrant in our reach---I almost don’t even blame the handful of the crew who disobeyed me to get it.” she rubbed her forehead with her fingers.  “And now, where are we?  Back on course.  Same speed.  Nothing’s changed and we are still so far from the ones we love.”  The commander appeared lost in thought, considering what she was saying.  

“You already know the argument I’m going to give you.  You know the technology wouldn’t work without the planet’s field and you know we couldn’t use it in their field without the planet’s officials’ consent...”

“But..” she raised a finger “maybe if i had considered a clandestine method sooner... if I had just made the choice to compromise, maybe we could’ve learned how to integrate it with our own technology.”  Chakotay looked at her gravely.

“I know you don’t really wish we could’ve done that.”

“But that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it?  The situation versus my principals.”  She stood up and moved to look out the window at a sky of endless stars.  She rubbed the bridge of her nose, tiredly. “Principles are not scientific law.  They aren’t weighted by gravity.  They are changeable, malleable.  You know that.  You were a Maquis.  Every one of your crew felt they were fighting for what’s right, though it wasn’t within Starfleet parameters---” at that Chakotay cut her off.

“You’re right, Captain.  I was a Maquis.  I was the leader of a faithful crew, fighting for beliefs that I still hold deeply in my heart, but ever since our first mission together, I’ve followed you.”  The Captain, suddenly seeing things from a different view, turned to Chakotay.  “Do you ever wonder why I so easily gave up my command to serve under you?”  She had.  She tried not to think too long on the why.  “The decision you made to spare the Ocampa was based in Starfleet Regulation, yes, but that wasn’t why you did it.  You chose to destroy the anomaly because it was the right thing to do---because you, personally, believe that allowing an entire civilization to be destroyed so that we can be happy and comfortable with our loved ones is wrong----and you know it.”  

She stared at him through glossy eyes---Simply stared, processing what he was saying.  Whilst staring, dumbly, she realized that her brain was clamoring for any other reason to blame herself, to beat herself up for this situation and she couldn’t find any.  She took a breath and just sighed, slinking down tiredly into a chair.  

“You can’t understand how deeply I’ve needed to hear that, Chakotay.” she thought, involuntarily, of Mark, of his unwavering support of her, of his talking her down when she’d gone too far and was hurting herself.  She tried to smile at the Commander.

“I understand that you’re frustrated, Captain.  We’re away from home.  It’s frightening.  It’s lonely.”  His eyes scrunched up as he seemed to stare intently at something on the ground that wasn’t there.  “I want you to know that you don’t have to hide any of that from me.  You shouldn’t have to be the Captain all the time.”  She was touched.  The strain of appearing in control, all-seeing, even simply being content or okay, had been weighing on her more than usual lately.  Had it truly been so obvious?  “Captain?” he looked confused, as she jumped out of a brief reverie.  

“Yes?” she responded, for lack of anything (at all) to say.  Chakotay smiled to himself.

“I should let you get to sleep.”  The captain rolled her eyes into lids that were, in fact, getting heavier with each second.  She didn’t really appreciate his acting like he could read her like a book.

“Thank you, Commander.”  she said, finally. “...For everything.”  

“Of course.”  He smiled, tightly.  They both stood up and made their way to the door where they both stood, awkwardly, not knowing how friends (were they friends? Perhaps captains-in-arms) are supposed to say goodbye at this tender hour.  “Kathryn,”  he started.  “I just want to say,”  Kathryn looked at him confused, not really wanting him to leave in the first place, craving each word she was truly curious for.  This entire meeting was so strange.  What the hell could he be going to say now?  “I honestly mean that when I say you don’t have to be alone... In anything.”  He paused as if implying something.  “It’s just that if you ever needed anything, anything at all,”  Kathryn was becoming more and more confused.  “Well, I wouldn’t mind---”  He concluded, then finally looking into his Captain’s face he must have found something that worried him because he continued. “No, that’s not what I meant.  What I’m trying to say is...”  Janeway gave him a bemused smile.  What could he possibly be trying to ask?  They made eye contact and just then Chakotay lowered his head, smiling, almost bashfully.  “Nevermind, Captain.  Forget I brought it up.”

“Brought what up, Commander?”  She chided.  “You haven’t said anything.”  

“I was going to say---” he shook his head. “...but thought better of it.”

“Well, now I’m intrigued.  You simply must tell me.”  He shook his head, minutely, smiling, now trying to avoid eye-contact.  This would nearly be exasperating if it wasn’t so amusing.

“...Chakotay!”  The man’s eyes snapped to hers immediately when she ejaculated his name, a feeling which she pointedly tried not to relish.

“It’s just that, I realized it was inappropriate as soon as I began to form my offer.”   _Offer?_  She was truly interested now.  She couldn’t help the small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.  “Whatever it is, I’m sure I can take it.”  She tried not to roll her eyes.  

“I was just going to suggest that----Well, if you ever needed anyone to...”  he paused, to think, apparently choosing his words carefully “...keep you company,”   _Oh._  She was, in fact, shocked.  “in any capacity...”

“...And what capacity might that be, Commander.”  her eyes were very wide.  She was too shocked to enjoy how funny this situation was, but not so far gone that she wasn’t enjoying making the commander squirm.

“I’m sorry, Captain.  It’s like I said, I realized it was inappropriate as soon as I... and I know you’re very _traditional_ \---and...”

“Commander, I don’t know how you did things in the Maquis, but in Starfleet it is highly irregular for the Captain to fraternize _“at any capacity”_ with members of her crew.”  She wasn’t certain how much of this she believed and how much was coming out in her surprise at the audacity of the proposition.  The commander lowered his head.  

“Of course, Captain.” he turned to leave.

“---And what do you mean; _traditional?_ ”  She blurted, surprising the commander.  He hesitated.  

“Captain, I didn’t mean to offend...”

“Stop placating me and...”  She stopped for a beat and watched his face as he looked down.  He came here to help her.  These subjects always had touched something of a nerve.  She took a breath and raised a pale hand to signify that she was calm---that he hadn’t truly offended her.  “I know.  Please, sit.  Let’s talk.”  The commander followed her to some living-space chairs.  Janeway waved a hand, signaling him to proceed.  

“In the Maquis, like you said, we were all fighting for something---All of us trying in our own ways trying to do what was right, even if that meant betraying the societies where we once belonged, leaving communities, families, behind.  It could become a very lonely existence.”  his eyes flickered with thoughts of the past.  She watched them glaze over---his expression becoming distant, and she recognized that feeling of being back where you once were---in the Alpha Quadrant----home.  It made her heart ache with guilt.  “Being on an outlaw ship nullified Starfleet regulations about fraternization---and even preconceived ideas about companionship.  It wasn’t uncommon for people to form undefined relationships---sharing quarters, casual sex, even just... sharing a bed to satiate the loneliness.”  She thought of Mark and her heart sank to a place that made her wish she had never let the Commander into her quarters.  “I only meant to say that Voyager, is not unlike how we used to be---lost, estranged.”  She listened, intently, wishing he wouldn’t remind her.  Her expression began to soften and involuntarily Janeway wrapped her arms around herself.  It had been a long week.  “I just want you to know that I’m here if you need anything.”  She knew it was true.  It had become clear to her that Commander Chakotay had some kind of attraction to her though she didn’t understand why.

She never could quite decode the devotion.  Ultimately, it didn’t matter.  He was right.  Despite, whatever various Perspectives on Human and Non-human Sexualities courses she had been required to take at the academy, she _was_ _traditional_.  She couldn’t seek relationships with the crew, not even the first officer, and though, she may have enjoyed the flirtations of a man a bit too much a few days ago, she had to remain faithful to her fiance.  She needed to.  Needed to hold onto the idea that she could get the crew home---before their families gave up on them---To get them home with a reasonable amount of time to, in a way, resume their lives when they left off.  

“I’m sorry, Chakotay, but what you’re suggesting is simply out of the question for me right now.”  There was a gravely, choking, quality to her voice that she wished hadn’t appeared at just that moment, and turned away from him.  She couldn’t take his devotion right now, his prostration, the idea of him on his knees.

“I understand.”  He nodded.  “I’m truly sorry if I’ve offended you, Captain.  Have a good night.”  He rose to let himself out when Kathryn quickly turned back to him.

“Commander,” he stopped before the door, raising his head.  “Thank you for the...” she paused, awkwardly.  “...for the offer.  I appreciate it.”  They were silent for a beat.  “I know I can be distant and, uhm, locked away sometimes.  Thank you for always being a good friend.”   _Please don’t give up on me.  Please don’t stop trying._

“Of course.  Always.” he answered, softly.  “Goodnight.” he smiled, his eyes now glossy and sweet.  

“Goodnight.” She smiled at him and let it drop, turning away so not to see the door close behind him when he left.     

**Author's Note:**

> Literally idk what to do with this story. I had this scenario in mind and only this part written out. But i'm sure more of this story'll come to me!


End file.
